Boldness and Confidence!

Here is a glimpse of the course...But it is now covered in snow...

Bend, Oregon…Here I come! This weekend I am racing in Club Cross Country Championships! I am racing with a beautiful group of women; some are old college teammates, some are even old high school teammates, and some are new friends. I was blessed this fall to get to run some workouts with them- a key ingredient I find that I need to stay motivated and truly experience the gift of training and racing! I look forward to a weekend of quality time with these great people!

The race is a 6K and from what I understand, it is “true European cross country”- full of mud, hay bales, snow, and any other challenging element that is bound to challenge me mentally. In my head, I love the idea of being a warrior and getting to run a “hard-core” race and race to see who has the most guts. When I am really honest with myself, however, I realize that I am inwardly a coward and easily give into the temptation to let go of the fleeting opportunities in a race to make a move or take a risk. I have been trying to prepare mentally for this race by repeating to myself that this is a sweet chance to be tough and that it is way more fun to really engage and give all I have than to be a chicken. I even chose the corny theme song “Roar” by Katy Perry in order to inundate my mind with the belief that I am tough. I believe that this approach is helpful and that I do have to build up a stock of mental ammunition, but I think there has to be something deeper than just figuring out how to trick your mind.

I truly believe God’s timing is impeccable and he provides all my needs in a way that I feel completely undeserving. This week I experienced God’s grace in a letter. I love mail by the way…This letter was from Jodi, the leader of the trip I took this summer to Europe with Athlete’s in Action. Throughout the summer I chose a truth about who I am because of what Jesus did for me, and it became my theme for my races. I chose the truth “I have boldness and confidence,” referencing Proverbs 3:26 “For the Lord will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared.” I opened the letter and inside was a scrap-booked card with the verse and the truth! I couldn’t believe how impeccable the timing of receiving this letter was! It was an instant heart check prompting me to remember that it is the Lord that will enable me to be mentally tough. It is the Lord’s strength that will allow me to take the momentary opportunities to compete and to embrace being a warrior. It is the Lord that will give me boldness and confidence! And so, I head into this race with an awareness of my cowardice, but also a sense of gratitude that the Lord is with me and I will be a cross country warrior for him!

Our Greatest Fear

The school year is well under way, and as fairly new math teacher, my mind is constantly pondering how I can best motivate students to desire to learn and work hard. My goal is to help students become the best version of themselves, but I have recognized that many of us are seemingly afraid to try; for fear that if they try and fail they will be embarrassed because it will reflect on their permanent ability or some students are afraid of realizing their true potential! I realize I can relate to much of this with my own racing and other life endeavors.

 I came across a great poem by Mary Williamson:

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

Last week I was sitting at Starbucks doing some lesson planning and a gentleman biked by on a recumbent bike with a stuffed Cat in the Hat on the back. He stopped his bike at my table and asked if I was working on my homework- assuming I was in high school- CLASSIC! I told him I was actually planning homework for my students and he was baffled that I could be of age to teach... He got off his bike, sat down at my table, and started asking questions. Through our conversation I learned much about him including his passion to learn. He shared that he used to be a pharmacist because his father had owned a drug store, so that was the natural job to take over, but now that he is retired, he is pursing his passion to learn through a DVD curriculum. You could tell that he had an uncanny drive to explore what the world has to offer and had no fear of being the best he could be. At the end of the conversation, he told me I could look him up by searching for “94 year old takes trampoline lessons!!!!” I have attached the link, if you want to watch.video link

            Walking away from the conversation, I was so inspired by this gentleman who has experienced so much of life, that he does not fear taking risks and trying to reach his potential. I wonder what you and I are not doing for fear of what we may really achieve or for fear of failure… and what could be accomplished if, as Mary Williamson says, we believed we were children of God and lived in freedom; would we really be “liberating others?”

My last week in Europe

A view of one of the cities in Cinque Terre

I promised this blog would be lighter... And it is. The week after I left my team in Blegium, I travelled a little extra. Here is a glimpse of my travels:

I went to Cinque Terre, Florence, and Rome in Italy. I travelled with my dear friend Jamie Cheever and a new friend from Jodi, who led our team in Belgium, to Cinque Terre. We were overwhelmed with the beauty and quaint cities. You can hike between 5 small towns that are set along the cliffs of the Ligurian sea.

I spent a day and a half with them and then Jamie and I went toFlorence where we met my parents. We enjoyed seeing the huge statue of David by Michelangelo after waiting in line for almost two hours, but it was more than  worth it. I was overwhelmed by the magnitude and the engineering of this huge statue. After the David statue we were rewarded with a half day tour to a Chianti Vineyard tour. It was beautiful to see the olive and grape trees in the Tuscany region and the wine was awesome. Jamie modeled how to get more than you pay for by enjoying other's leftovers...how dare anyone not drink their wine! Needless to say it was a great time of laughter and awesome company. That evening Jamie headed back to Cinque Terre and I traveled to Rome with my lovely parents.

Jamie enjoying leftovers...

Tuscany

Colosseum

Although it may sound lame to travel with your parents, I absolutely loved it. Fortunately for me, I get along great with my parents and this trip is one that I will remember for a lifetime! In Rome we had an amazing tour of the Colosseum, the Pantheon, and Vatican City with the Sistine chapel and St. Peter's Basilica. We were amazed to see such beauty but especially to learn the history behind everything we saw. Not only that, but to realize that much of what we were seeing was from the beginning of the Christian Church. Everything there seems to scream God's name. Although there has been much history of corruption, hate, and selfishness, the fact that much still remains and that so many people come to see it reminded me that God always triumphs and will make himself know.

My great parents

 My parents left and I had one day on my own. It is super hot in Italy, so I took a train to the Mediterranean for some relief! Despite getting stuck alone on a train by myself and the Italians had to pry the doors open to get me out, the day turned out to be quite an adventure! I would have loved company, but really enjoyed some solitude with God. I swam frantically in the ocean...I have a new respect for triathletes that swim in the ocean, jumped off what I perceived to be a cliff but was more like a rock,  and enjoyed reading on the rocks. I am now preparing to come home and get back to reality. It has been a wonderful trip and opened my eyes to the joy of traveling, but nothing can beat my home where my wonderful family and friends live.

Dad and I in a Roman Plaza

Be careful what you preach and what you pray for!

It is hard to believe that my time in Belgium has come to an end! It is impossible to put into words what this trip has meant to me. I could list many lessons that I have learned or that have been reinforced, but it seems they all lead back to a deeper conviction that The Lord alone is enough for me, and I can do nothing but praise him. 

I don't know if I previously wrote about this, but one morning on this trip I was reading a book that talked about the people that receive no gratification from this world, but because of that, they only can get their satisfaction from The Lord. I confessed to my team that I don't want to be ugly, slow, ineffective, etc yet I want to find my exclusive contentment in The Lord...I know I am double minded.  I prayed that God would help me to believe that he is far better than any worldly gratification can offer...i know, be careful what you pray for!

Going into the last race, Logan, one of the leaders, contemplated racing as well,  but decided not to so that he could focus on serving the team by coaching and not be distracted by racing. We went to a coffee shop that morning and I challenged him by making sure that he wasn't racing because he was afraid that it wouldn't be up to "his" standards. I told him that no matter where you are in your fitness, you can still use a race as an opportunity to give your best effort and God is glorified by Your effort, not the result. I think of the little drummer boy that offers his best gift of simply playing the drums for baby Jesus and Mary. He couldn't offer the world's treasures, but he offered the simple gift of playing his drum; the gift he was given. Although I challenged Logan, I didn't think that my race would be a humble offering to The Lord. I thought I would run a pr based on my workouts and I would get to praise The Lord with gratitude for "success." But I guess that God has a sense of humor and although I challenged Logan with the charge of believing whatever you offer is sufficient, God gave me an opportunity to worship him in humility. The 5k was a mixed race, which I thought would be a magical experience because I thought the men would pull me along... Instead they pulled away in about 1 lap and I ran the next lap a few steps behind Amy Hastings and then I ran the next 10.5 laps by my lonesome. It        took all of my energy to TRY to stay positive, to stay in the race, to fight the fatigue despite my gradually slowing pace. I am ashamed to admit how hard it was not to drop out. I begged The Lord that he would be glorified in my efforts, that he would enable me to soar on wings like eagles, that he would carry me between his shoulders... And he did, but not in the way that I would have imagined.

I finished the race. Really slow, about a minute slower than I wanted:17.12. I haven't ever run that slow. After the race, I literally lay on the track in real physical exhaustion. My beautiful teammates walked me back to my shoes and water. Kyal admitted that after he knew I was ok he thought it was pretty funny because I was walking like I was drunk- you can tell he is a pole vaulter:) I was devastated and felt stripped for the moment of any worldly gratification, as the author in my book had described. I went on my cool down in the dark, along a canal, alone with God, and I cannot describe the amazing comfort and desire to praise him despite my deep sadness. It began to lighting without the rain and I could only think of the song, " What can I do but praise you? Every day I give my life to you. I will praise you..." I wish I could better describe the amazing peace and presence I felt of The Lord, and I am so excited to say that I got a brief glimpse and belief that The Lord alone is enough and I literally can glorify him no matter what. My prayer was answered. God definitely has a sense of humor that I don't always appreciate, yet, ironically I truly do! I have much to continue to learn and believe in my heart, but there is a sense of freedom in believing at a little deeper level that performance does not reflect my value. Hopefully it will help me mentally to stay focused on running to the best of MY ability and not compare myself; why is it that I shut down when i am running alone far behind that pack rather than running alone far in front of the pack if my motivation is truly to be the best version of myself? Clearly I have much to learn, but I am so excited to have grown a tiny fraction. Heck, God says if I have faith the size of a mustard seed I can move mountains and that is pretty small, so watch out! 

The  next morning I read a psalm of David that I could totally relate to. He is lamenting defeat and isolation, but he basically says, what can I do but praise you? Check out psalm 42. People  ask him, "Where is your God?" He begs God for his presence and yet he comes to he conclusion despite his downcast soul, and he says, "put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my savior and my God." I could so relate. Despite my misunderstanding of the situation, my frustration of myself, and my frustration with God, I couldn't help but hope in him and praise him. 

I am sorry this blog was so heavy, next blog will be lighter...I will share about my travels in Rome, but I wanted to try to share the processing going on in my head and to celebrate my small softening of my heart to believe that no matter what happens, Jesus Christ my savior is more than enough, and whatever I do, it should be to serve and glorify him with my best. I hope you can also feel encouraged to engage in whatever you feel passionate about and don't let fear of performance stop you from doing it. The result may not be what you hope for, but if you are doing it for The Lord, it will probably be better than you could ask or imagine!

Livin' Leuven- Belgium Update #4

Many people have asked what I do each day. Here are a few highlights of my time during the week:
Wake up and have some quality time to read my bible, journal, and pray.

I love drinking coffee out of the magical machine in the hostel. I thought I might eliminate my coffee drinking habit going into this tri, but I am afraid it has only encouraged it. The machine will make anything from Koffee, to lattes, to cappuccinos, to chocolate milk, to a combination of them all!

Logan and I love the coffee machine!

We go to team time and either stroll or bike to the place we meet.

We are all starving after, and go to the grocery store to buy lunch and dinner ingredients. We are certainly creatures of habit and have sandwiches basically every day...but don't worry we eat delicious dinners...more on that soon.

After lunch we have some down time to read, explore, or nap and then we are off to practice. At the track, we have met some wonderful people. Charlotte, is the great girl that Katie and I have made friends with. She is 17 and quite speedy for her age. She is tolerant of our inability to learn her language...we are trying! And is so positive and eager to share with us. We are excited to continue to know her more and love her well. I am sure we will stay in contact. There are 2 tracks in Leuven. One is more attractive to the distance runners because there are beautiful trails nearby, but the track is shaped like an egg, so the sprinters don't approve, thus we to to train track most of the time.

The team after cheering for Charlotte

After practice we eat a delicious dinner made by Rachel. We are so blessed by her service to us. She is truly a servant leader. She is our athletic trainer and cooks amazing meals. We all eat together around a table that shouldn't accommodate the 13 of us, plus the typical guests, but it is great! Logan initiated a tradition of what we call FPD: favorite part of the day. Each person shares the day's highlights. It is really powerful to hear what was meaningful to each person and gives everyone a chance to talk. I would suggest it at any dinner table!

The evening is not complete without ice cream and waffles...They are amazing. They make the waffles with dough and not batter. I can't even describe how tasty they are! We generally meet many other athletes from the states at the ice cream and waffle shop!

Our first taste of waffle

Katie, Logan and I enjoying a waffle at the market

Finally, we hang out on the big comfy couches or in our ladies room packed with 7 beds and have what we call "real talk" it is so amazing to have so many people eager to have such thought provoking conversations!

Our Cozy Room

I am so blessed to have this month devoted to loving and serving the people that I am with, growing in my faith, and trying to build relationships in the track world and with anyone I interact with!

Belgium Update #3

Jamie and I exploring Brussels

I made it through 4 races in the last 8 days! I really was hoping to run a pr in the 1500, but it turns out I had an 800 pr! I raced a 1500 in Heusden on Saturday and came back on Sunday to run an 800. I don't exactly feel like an 800 runner, but had a great time stepping to the line and not having anything to think about except trying to run as fast as I could. I was hoping to break 2:10. I got to race with Heather and my teammate Katie. I should probably qualify that statement and say that I warmed up with Heather...and followed as closely behind as possible. I was really grateful for the race because it was a unique opportunity to race without any pressure and practice using racing as an intense chance to worship the God that gave me the gift. I ended up just barely sneaking under 2.10, as I ran 2:09.93! I will take it and celebrate it! Throughout these last few races I really wish that I had run a little faster, but I can honestly say that I had a blast racing and am eager to continue to train and stay healthy. I am so grateful that I have an eagerness to continue to race and train.

 This past week we finally got into a little more of a routine. We meet daily for what we call team time. It is a time for us to study the bible, pray, and discuss with one another. It has been so amazing how united the group is becoming. We are studying Ephesians. The first half is about the gifts that God gives us when we believe in Jesus Christ, and the second half of the letter is about how we are to live our life in response to the love God has shown us. It was really powerful to talk about what the body of Christ looks like and how together by playing the role we are each called to play we reflect the person of Jesus Christ. It is so amazing that we can understand who God is better by relating with one another and experiencing other's gifts and understanding. Jodi, our leader shared this African word, Ubuntu which loosely translates to, "I can't be all that I am, unless you are all of who you are." I was once again reminded of the beauty of competition and my need to stop comparing myself to others, but strive to see what potential I can reach, and in the process, hope that it allows others to seek to be the best they can be.

 This weekend I am not racing. We got to be tourists and visit Brussels. It is a neat city with lots of chocolate and waffle shops. Nothing can beat the waffles here! Also, this morning they crowned a new king of Belgium, so it is really cool to be here at this time! Another highlight was getting a chance to play sand volleyball in the middle of the square in Leuven this week. there is a tournament and they built temporary courts. I am terrible at sand volleyball, but I love playing annually on my family camping trip. it was a sweet taste of home and summer, and now I feel ready to compete at the family trip:) Unfortuntely I really hurt my foot playing, but I am hoping it is going to be ok. It is ridiculous how fast something can happen. I was able to run on it the day after and have an encouraging 5k workout, so I am hoping for the best and starting to get excited about the 5k this coming weekend.

 More to come later, but I am off to cheer for our dear friend we met here in Leuven, Charlotte, in the Belgian Championships!

 Tot ziens ( see you later in Dutch)!

I kissed a boy

I kissed a boy! ... I thought that would get your attention! The statement is true, but probably not in the context you  imagine. Turns out, here in Belgium people greet one another with a cheek to cheek greeting while making the kissing noise, but I thought it was just a kiss. Needless to say, one of our friends that we met here in Leuven was saying goodbye to everyone in this manner and I didn't feel super comfortable, but didn't want to offend him, so I just kissed him on the cheek. Poor boy handled it well, but my teammates made fun of me!  You learn a lot by just living life in a foreign country. You learn how to start a race in different languages and quickly learn that what appears to be a hand washing station near porta-potties are actually urinals! 

This is sort of the what my walk with The Lord has been out here in Belgium. A huge part of me desires to have all of the answers to my future and to have all sorts of dramatic experiences where I see and feel God at work, but it seems that for now, God is teaching me that I simply must walk with him and learn as I live life. Just as the kissing the boy was not a dramatic experience, but a fleeting embarrassment, The Lord is slowly molding me and using me as I walk through life listening to his spirit. 

We are studying Ephesians with the team this week. We talked about what it means to have the Holy Spirit in us. Paul writes to the Ephesians that he asks God to give them "the spirit of wisdom and revelation so you may know God better and that the eyes of my heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which you are called." Through my time out here, I am learning that life is all about knowing God more through the life course that he leads us in as we obey his law. Jesus said in the book of John, "if you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the father, and he will give you another counselor to be with you forever- the spirit of truth." And he tells us this so that our joy may be complete! 

As I spend th next few weeks out here with my team and continue to race, I am trying to just rest in the freedom of the life God has offered me. my first race went surprisingly well. I ran a 4.20 and felt great. There were a ton of Americans in the race and I had so much fun racing them. I raced again in Liege and felt confident I could break 4.20 but I ran 4.22. I was able to look at Heather Kampf during the race, but it turned out to be a pretty low key race. I am looking forward to another race on Saturday in Heusden. Jamie Cheever will be in my race along with my teammate, Katie Porada. I am looking forward to continuing the process of living life each day and being led by the spirit to become more and more like Christ. hopefully I won't find myself kissing anymore boys or embarrassing myself further! 

The canvas and the stone- Belgium update#1

This morning was the first day waking up in Belgium. It is quite surreal walking down quaint alley ways paved with cobblestone, hearing church bells ring from tall and ornate bell towers, and hearing a variety of conversations, all in different languages. Despite the different surroundings, I still have my unchanging God. The amazing architecture screams his name as do the people that are so hospitable. Although I have only known my teammates for a few days, I already feel as though they are family. Perhaps it helps getting stuck in the airport for 9 hours on a delay and having nothing to do except hang out...and figure out how we wanted to spending our $20 voucher... I am so blessed to have very fun and authentic teammates. We all seem to bring something unique to the group and it is small enough group to feel very cohesive. This morning we had what we call team time where we have a bible study or faith based discussion. We were wrestling over what it really looks like to use your sport as an act of worship, and if it is possible to have a pure motivation to want to reflect God's glory and yet be a fierce competitor! I am looking forward to racing the 1500 this weekend and continuing to try to race with courage and gratitude in my heart. It looks like the field will be very competitive and I can't wait to compete with some talented women.
 One of the recent themes of my life is learning how to be present in the moment and to trust the momentary good will of God, not looking ahead or behind. Today I read a beautiful analogy of what it should look and feel like to be abandoned to the Lord's will. We are each like a piece of canvas or a stone that an artist is going to paint a mural or carve a sculpture on. The canvas can only feel the stroke or dab of the brush and the stoned can only feel the uncomfortable chisel of the tool. They can only trust the work of the artist to complete the good work and that the momentary lack of understanding will make sense in the end. I am eager to see what canvas The Lord is painting here in Belgium and to see how it will point to him in the near future and on towards the rest of my life. As for the race, I am thrilled yet intimidated of the field I will be racing with, but trying to celebrate and rest in the opportunity to race and trust that it is merely a celebratory stroke in my life!

Happy Fourth of of July from Belgium! We will be celebrating 7 hours ahead of you!

Off to Europe!

I am leaving on a jet plane… To Leuven, Belgium for the month of July! It is hard to believe that the day has already arrived, while at the same time I feel as though I have been waiting a long time! I am traveling with 10 track athletes, just one other distance runner, with a group called Athlete’s in Action. I truly feel like it is a team that God created just for me! My roommate, Jamie Cheever, traveled to Europe last year and met this group and told me about them. She shared that they were a bunch of Christian track athlete’s that were eager to use their sport as an act of worship, to grow in their faith, and eager to share their faith with others. I don’t know if I am supposed to make agreements with God, but when I heard about it I told God that if I was healthy in March, I would commit to the trip. Through prayer, and as March came along, I peacefully and enthusiastically committed! There is a lot of ambiguity in my life, but going on this trip is one month of my life that I have a great peace about.

I am not entirely sure what my daily life will look like, but I plan to keep my Blog updated as well as my twitter feed. I do know that I will get to race in a variety of races throughout Belgium. There is a race circuit called Flander’s Cup; I think of it like Mario Cart where you choose your circuitJ Many runners travel to Europe seeking opportunities to compete and run fast times. It reminds me that the true definition of competition is “to seek together.” I look forward to seeking together with my competitors to be the best athletes we can be in order to run our fastest. I will be running mainly 1500s. I wish I could race more 5Ks, but I am so grateful for any opportunity to race. I feel like my attitude about racing is one of gratitude and excitement, which is something slightly new. I know I will be nervous, and am already a little, but I feel like I have nothing to lose but to simply enjoy the opportunity to pour my heart out in a competition and thank God for the gift he entrusted me. One of my prayers for this year has been to relearn how to love this sport no matter how I perform, and I truly do feel like God has transformed my attitude! Here are the races I will be doing:

July 6- Oordegem – 1500

July 10- Liege – 1500

July 13-Heusden, KBC- 1500

July 14- Kortrijk -800

July 27- Ninove – 5K

Throughout this trip I am praying that I would constantly rely on God and that he would show up in a big way. I am praying that no matter what the racing results or any other challenges that may come, that I would fall more in love with Jesus and entrust more of my life to him. I am of course anxious about the unknown, but my main emotion is one of gratitude for this amazing opportunity to worship God in this unique way, for this amazing opportunity to compete, and for a chance to meet some amazing people on my team and that will also be out there racing (amazing seems to be my adjective of choice)! I would love your prayers! I will keep you all updated!

Here part of a Psalm that I am praying for this trip:

“I waited patiently for the Lord;

He turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

Out of the mud and mire

He set my feet upon a rock

And gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

A hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the Lord

And put their trust in him.

Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,

Who does not look to the proud,

To those who turn aside to false gods.” Psalm 40:1-4